When I was 7 years old, I wrote a letter to Santa Claus. In that letter, I made a list of all the things I wanted for Christmas. There were 150 items on the list. I didn’t ask for a bunch of toys (although I think I threw in a Cylon Raider
(cache) and some Legos.) I asked for books. A book on Marco Polo. A book on the Gemini program. A book on archaeology. A book on geology. Books about anything and everything. My parents still have that list in a box somewhere, I think they thought I was the strangest kid alive.
I have an insatiable thirst for knowledge. I have read books on just about every subject and have taken courses in every discipline. Computational Theory. Assembly Language. 12th Century Literature. Philosophy. Logic. Art Appreciation. French Literature. Shakespeare’s Tragedies and Romances. Electromagnetic Theory. Classical Mechanics. Linear Algebra. Poetry and Creative Writing. Psychology. Sociology. Electrical Engineering. Anatomy. Human Sexuality. Religions of the Orient. I’ve even written term papers for classes I didn’t even attend, because I found the material so compelling.
I am a Generalist.
I know a little bit about just about everything (except economics. The behavior of money and markets baffles me on some fundamental level.) Even in my chosen field, IT/INFOSEC, I hold enough knowledge about each and every piece of the puzzle to allow me to make informed decisions and create and defend positions. This has served me well thus far: I have the ability to adapt to many different situations on-the-fly. I have the ability to map out the design and intentions of a model while understanding the various detailed transactions between systems. I can serve as the liaison between experts to solve problems. As I am rarely firmly entrenched in any particular discipline, I often come up with innovative and creative solutions that someone more rigorously focussed may have missed. I am less likely to dismiss something as impossible or improbable, since I am not burdened with some of the mental constraints and predispositions that many experts are prone to.
But there is a cost: I am often called on to make ‘expert’ decisions, to dispense advice that can change a company’s thrust, focus or infrastructure, to attack or defend a methodology, to take decisive action in an emergency. I am not uncomfortable making these calls, I make them every day. But I am not always 100% satisfied with them, in retrospect. There is always the lingering fear that I overlooked something, that I made the wrong call. I’m afraid that some other guy will come along and say, "Who made that decision?" and then proceed to tell me how incredibly wrong and stupid I am. This is called the Impostor Syndrome (cache). Just about everyone suffers from it to some extent. But it’s an anxiety I deal with everyday. I am constantly Monday Morning Quarterbacking myself, and obsessively checking and rechecking my knowledge and preconceptions of what I do and do not know, afraid to make a mistake, afraid to be ‘found out’.
I am able to learn a new programming language in a week, but usually I forget it again after a month. I’m constantly reeducating myself on things I thought I knew already. I spend a lot of time feeling slightly out-of-phase with certain concepts and technologies. I race to try to keep up-to-date on everything. I have some gaps in my knowledge that make me nervous. Under stressful professional situations, I often find myself combating vertigo with sheer nerve and attitude, even when I am 100% correct. I often live in fear of that one question, that one fact which destroys my argument or my credibility.
And there is a downside: I’m not an expert in anything. Not a particular topic, or range of topics, or field, or discipline. At least not by my own standards of the word ‘expert’. Other people like to use that term pretty loosely, I’m not quite so cavalier about it.
I read Slashdot every day, because it truly is a cornucopia of information. Not necessarily the articles, but the discussions. Here you can find experts of all stripes hold forth on the intricacies of filesystem structure and functionality, nuclear and plasma physics, hand-written kernel modifications, and even BIND (hey, it’s tricky). And the majority of the time I find myself wondering, "How the hell can I presume to call these people my peers? I am way out of my league here." The depth of the expertise is staggering…even the acronyms are sometimes completely foreign to me. I suppose if I am not a graphics programmer, I probably shouldn’t know the major differences between XAML and XUL, but dammit, I feel like I should anyway. I’m mostly just a passenger on that train, you won’t find me posting there much.
But at times when I begin to doubt my own skills and ability, I recall an observation my father once made my Freshman year of college: "You can’t be at every party…" I know, Dad, but I still try ;)
Perhaps the guy who can speak so knowledgeably on sound subsystem development doesn’t know anything about wireless security or database migration. Maybe the gal who can write so incisively about HLA/ASM incompatibilities doesn’t know jack about SQL injection attacks or PKI implementation. Sometimes I have to remember that. And sometimes I have to remember that there are people out there who are just plain smarter than me.
I employ sound scientific method. I employ and extend every ounce of knowledge I have to the task at hand. I call upon experts when I need to and I know when to listen. I am always ready to say I am wrong, and I am always open to other possibilities. I am able to bend my mind around just about any problem you can throw at me, I use my resources and I do my homework. In cases of differing opinion or methodology, I present the options with pros and cons. I never make a hasty decision, I am technologically agnostic, and I never pre-formulate a solution without taking into account all the variables and checking my facts. In any given scenario, there are probably dozens more people who are more qualified, knowledgeable and/or experienced to give an answer on that particular topic, but just as I can’t be at every party, neither can they.
So much for my not-so-auspicious inaugural post. Why did I write this? Because in the future I may hold forth on various topics that I find interesting or compelling and while some may consider me an expert, others may consider me an idiot. It’s the price of admission for posting on a public site. I’m not omnipotent or perfect and I may not have all the facts or all the answers.
Educate me. I’m listening.
–Casey
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